Act 1, Scene 1: Windsor. Before PAGE's house

SCENE I. Windsor. Before PAGE's house.

    Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS

SHALLOW

    Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star-
    chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir John
    Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.

SLENDER

    In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace and
    'Coram.'

SHALLOW

    Ay, cousin Slender, and 'Custalourum.

SLENDER

    Ay, and 'Rato-lorum' too; and a gentleman born,
    master parson; who writes himself 'Armigero,' in any
    bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, 'Armigero.'

SHALLOW

    Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three
    hundred years.

SLENDER

    All his successors gone before him hath done't; and
    all his ancestors that come after him may: they may
    give the dozen white luces in their coat.

SHALLOW

    It is an old coat.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    The dozen white louses do become an old coat well;
    it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to
    man, and signifies love.

SHALLOW

    The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat.

SLENDER

    I may quarter, coz.

SHALLOW

    You may, by marrying.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.

SHALLOW

    Not a whit.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    Yes, py'r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat,
    there is but three skirts for yourself, in my
    simple conjectures: but that is all one. If Sir
    John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto
    you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my
    benevolence to make atonements and compremises
    between you.

SHALLOW

    The council shall bear it; it is a riot.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    It is not meet the council hear a riot; there is no
    fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shall
    desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a
    riot; take your vizaments in that.

SHALLOW

    Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the sword
    should end it.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it:
    and there is also another device in my prain, which
    peradventure prings goot discretions with it: there
    is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas
    Page, which is pretty virginity.

SLENDER

    Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks
    small like a woman.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as
    you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys,
    and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his
    death's-bed--Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!
    --give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years
    old: it were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles
    and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master
    Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.

SLENDER

    Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?

SIR HUGH EVANS

    Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.

SLENDER

    I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts.

SHALLOW

    Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?

SIR HUGH EVANS

    Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do
    despise one that is false, or as I despise one that
    is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, I
    beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will
    peat the door for Master Page.

    Knocks
    What, hoa! Got pless your house here!

PAGE

    [Within] Who's there?

    Enter PAGE

SIR HUGH EVANS

    Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice
    Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that
    peradventures shall tell you another tale, if
    matters grow to your likings.

PAGE

    I am glad to see your worships well.
    I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.

SHALLOW

    Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it
    your good heart! I wished your venison better; it
    was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?--and I
    thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart.

PAGE

    Sir, I thank you.

SHALLOW

    Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.

PAGE

    I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.

SLENDER

    How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he
    was outrun on Cotsall.

PAGE

    It could not be judged, sir.

SLENDER

    You'll not confess, you'll not confess.

SHALLOW

    That he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your fault;
    'tis a good dog.

PAGE

    A cur, sir.

SHALLOW

    Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog: can there be
    more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John
    Falstaff here?

PAGE

    Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good
    office between you.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.

SHALLOW

    He hath wronged me, Master Page.

PAGE

    Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.

SHALLOW

    If it be confessed, it is not redress'd: is not that
    so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he
    hath, at a word, he hath, believe me: Robert
    Shallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged.

PAGE

    Here comes Sir John.

    Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL

FALSTAFF

    Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the king?

SHALLOW

    Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and
    broke open my lodge.

FALSTAFF

    But not kissed your keeper's daughter?

SHALLOW

    Tut, a pin! this shall be answered.

FALSTAFF

    I will answer it straight; I have done all this.
    That is now answered.

SHALLOW

    The council shall know this.

FALSTAFF

    'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel:
    you'll be laughed at.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.

FALSTAFF

    Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your
    head: what matter have you against me?

SLENDER

    Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you;
    and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,
    Nym, and Pistol.

BARDOLPH

    You Banbury cheese!

SLENDER

    Ay, it is no matter.

PISTOL

    How now, Mephostophilus!

SLENDER

    Ay, it is no matter.

NYM

    Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that's my humour.

SLENDER

    Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?

SIR HUGH EVANS

    Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is
    three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that
    is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is
    myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is,
    lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.

PAGE

    We three, to hear it and end it between them.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-
    book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with
    as great discreetly as we can.

FALSTAFF

    Pistol!

PISTOL

    He hears with ears.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, 'He
    hears with ear'? why, it is affectations.

FALSTAFF

    Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?

SLENDER

    Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might
    never come in mine own great chamber again else, of
    seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward
    shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two
    pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.

FALSTAFF

    Is this true, Pistol?

SIR HUGH EVANS

    No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.

PISTOL

    Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and Master mine,
    I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.
    Word of denial in thy labras here!
    Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest!

SLENDER

    By these gloves, then, 'twas he.

NYM

    Be avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will say
    'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's
    humour on me; that is the very note of it.

SLENDER

    By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for
    though I cannot remember what I did when you made me
    drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.

FALSTAFF

    What say you, Scarlet and John?

BARDOLPH

    Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunk
    himself out of his five sentences.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is!

BARDOLPH

    And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and
    so conclusions passed the careires.

SLENDER

    Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no
    matter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again,
    but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick:
    if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have
    the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.

FALSTAFF

    You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.

    Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following

PAGE

    Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.

    Exit ANNE PAGE

SLENDER

    O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.

PAGE

    How now, Mistress Ford!

FALSTAFF

    Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met:
    by your leave, good mistress.

    Kisses her

PAGE

    Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a
    hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hope
    we shall drink down all unkindness.

    Exeunt all except SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS

SLENDER

    I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of
    Songs and Sonnets here.

    Enter SIMPLE
    How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait
    on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles
    about you, have you?

SIMPLE

    Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice
    Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight
    afore Michaelmas?

SHALLOW

    Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with
    you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a
    tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh
    here. Do you understand me?

SLENDER

    Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so,
    I shall do that that is reason.

SHALLOW

    Nay, but understand me.

SLENDER

    So I do, sir.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will
    description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.

SLENDER

    Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray
    you, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his
    country, simple though I stand here.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    But that is not the question: the question is
    concerning your marriage.

SHALLOW

    Ay, there's the point, sir.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page.

SLENDER

    Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any
    reasonable demands.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command to
    know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers
    philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the
    mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your
    good will to the maid?

SHALLOW

    Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?

SLENDER

    I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that
    would do reason.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak
    possitable, if you can carry her your desires
    towards her.

SHALLOW

    That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?

SLENDER

    I will do a greater thing than that, upon your
    request, cousin, in any reason.

SHALLOW

    Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I do
    is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?

SLENDER

    I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if there
    be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may
    decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are
    married and have more occasion to know one another;
    I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt:
    but if you say, 'Marry her,' I will marry her; that
    I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is in
    the ort 'dissolutely:' the ort is, according to our
    meaning, 'resolutely:' his meaning is good.

SHALLOW

    Ay, I think my cousin meant well.

SLENDER

    Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!

SHALLOW

    Here comes fair Mistress Anne.

    Re-enter ANNE PAGE
    Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!

ANNE PAGE

    The dinner is on the table; my father desires your
    worships' company.

SHALLOW

    I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.

SIR HUGH EVANS

    Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.

    Exeunt SHALLOW and SIR HUGH EVANS

ANNE PAGE

    Will't please your worship to come in, sir?

SLENDER

    No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.

ANNE PAGE

    The dinner attends you, sir.

SLENDER

    I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go,
    sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my
    cousin Shallow.

    Exit SIMPLE
    A justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to his
    friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy
    yet, till my mother be dead: but what though? Yet I
    live like a poor gentleman born.

ANNE PAGE

    I may not go in without your worship: they will not
    sit till you come.

SLENDER

    I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as
    though I did.

ANNE PAGE

    I pray you, sir, walk in.

SLENDER

    I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised
    my shin th' other day with playing at sword and
    dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a
    dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot
    abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your
    dogs bark so? be there bears i' the town?

ANNE PAGE

    I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.

SLENDER

    I love the sport well but I shall as soon quarrel at
    it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see
    the bear loose, are you not?

ANNE PAGE

    Ay, indeed, sir.

SLENDER

    That's meat and drink to me, now. I have seen
    Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by
    the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so
    cried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but women,
    indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favored
    rough things.

    Re-enter PAGE

PAGE

    Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.

SLENDER

    I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.

PAGE

    By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.

SLENDER

    Nay, pray you, lead the way.

PAGE

    Come on, sir.

SLENDER

    Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.

ANNE PAGE

    Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.

SLENDER

    I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome.
    You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!

    Exeunt

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