Act 2, Scene 1: Rochester. An inn yard

SCENE I. Rochester. An inn yard.

    Enter a Carrier with a lantern in his hand

First Carrier

    Heigh-ho! an it be not four by the day, I'll be
    hanged: Charles' wain is over the new chimney, and
    yet our horse not packed. What, ostler!

Ostler

    [Within] Anon, anon.

First Carrier

    I prithee, Tom, beat Cut's saddle, put a few flocks
    in the point; poor jade, is wrung in the withers out
    of all cess.

    Enter another Carrier

Second Carrier

    Peas and beans are as dank here as a dog, and that
    is the next way to give poor jades the bots: this
    house is turned upside down since Robin Ostler died.

First Carrier

    Poor fellow, never joyed since the price of oats
    rose; it was the death of him.

Second Carrier

    I think this be the most villanous house in all
    London road for fleas: I am stung like a tench.

First Carrier

    Like a tench! by the mass, there is ne'er a king
    christen could be better bit than I have been since
    the first cock.

Second Carrier

    Why, they will allow us ne'er a jordan, and then we
    leak in your chimney; and your chamber-lie breeds
    fleas like a loach.

First Carrier

    What, ostler! come away and be hanged!

Second Carrier

    I have a gammon of bacon and two razors of ginger,
    to be delivered as far as Charing-cross.

First Carrier

    God's body! the turkeys in my pannier are quite
    starved. What, ostler! A plague on thee! hast thou
    never an eye in thy head? canst not hear? An
    'twere not as good deed as drink, to break the pate
    on thee, I am a very villain. Come, and be hanged!
    hast thou no faith in thee?

    Enter GADSHILL

GADSHILL

    Good morrow, carriers. What's o'clock?

First Carrier

    I think it be two o'clock.

GADSHILL

    I pray thee lend me thy lantern, to see my gelding
    in the stable.

First Carrier

    Nay, by God, soft; I know a trick worth two of that, i' faith.

GADSHILL

    I pray thee, lend me thine.

Second Carrier

    Ay, when? can'st tell? Lend me thy lantern, quoth
    he? marry, I'll see thee hanged first.

GADSHILL

    Sirrah carrier, what time do you mean to come to London?

Second Carrier

    Time enough to go to bed with a candle, I warrant
    thee. Come, neighbour Mugs, we'll call up the
    gentleman: they will along with company, for they
    have great charge.

    Exeunt carriers

GADSHILL

    What, ho! chamberlain!

Chamberlain

    [Within] At hand, quoth pick-purse.

GADSHILL

    That's even as fair as--at hand, quoth the
    chamberlain; for thou variest no more from picking
    of purses than giving direction doth from labouring;
    thou layest the plot how.

    Enter Chamberlain

Chamberlain

    Good morrow, Master Gadshill. It holds current that
    I told you yesternight: there's a franklin in the
    wild of Kent hath brought three hundred marks with
    him in gold: I heard him tell it to one of his
    company last night at supper; a kind of auditor; one
    that hath abundance of charge too, God knows what.
    They are up already, and call for eggs and butter;
    they will away presently.

GADSHILL

    Sirrah, if they meet not with Saint Nicholas'
    clerks, I'll give thee this neck.

Chamberlain

    No, I'll none of it: I pray thee keep that for the
    hangman; for I know thou worshippest St. Nicholas
    as truly as a man of falsehood may.

GADSHILL

    What talkest thou to me of the hangman? if I hang,
    I'll make a fat pair of gallows; for if I hang, old
    Sir John hangs with me, and thou knowest he is no
    starveling. Tut! there are other Trojans that thou
    dreamest not of, the which for sport sake are
    content to do the profession some grace; that would,
    if matters should be looked into, for their own
    credit sake, make all whole. I am joined with no
    foot-land rakers, no long-staff sixpenny strikers,
    none of these mad mustachio purple-hued malt-worms;
    but with nobility and tranquillity, burgomasters and
    great oneyers, such as can hold in, such as will
    strike sooner than speak, and speak sooner than
    drink, and drink sooner than pray: and yet, zounds,
    I lie; for they pray continually to their saint, the
    commonwealth; or rather, not pray to her, but prey
    on her, for they ride up and down on her and make
    her their boots.

Chamberlain

    What, the commonwealth their boots? will she hold
    out water in foul way?

GADSHILL

    She will, she will; justice hath liquored her. We
    steal as in a castle, cocksure; we have the receipt
    of fern-seed, we walk invisible.

Chamberlain

    Nay, by my faith, I think you are more beholding to
    the night than to fern-seed for your walking invisible.

GADSHILL

    Give me thy hand: thou shalt have a share in our
    purchase, as I am a true man.

Chamberlain

    Nay, rather let me have it, as you are a false thief.

GADSHILL

    Go to; 'homo' is a common name to all men. Bid the
    ostler bring my gelding out of the stable. Farewell,
    you muddy knave.

    Exeunt