Act 2, Scene 3: LEONATO'S orchard

SCENE III. LEONATO'S orchard.

    Enter BENEDICK

BENEDICK

    Boy!

    Enter Boy

Boy

    Signior?

BENEDICK

    In my chamber-window lies a book: bring it hither
    to me in the orchard.

Boy

    I am here already, sir.

BENEDICK

    I know that; but I would have thee hence, and here again.

    Exit Boy
    I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much
    another man is a fool when he dedicates his
    behaviors to love, will, after he hath laughed at
    such shallow follies in others, become the argument
    of his own scorn by failing in love: and such a man
    is Claudio. I have known when there was no music
    with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he
    rather hear the tabour and the pipe: I have known
    when he would have walked ten mile a-foot to see a
    good armour; and now will he lie ten nights awake,
    carving the fashion of a new doublet. He was wont to
    speak plain and to the purpose, like an honest man
    and a soldier; and now is he turned orthography; his
    words are a very fantastical banquet, just so many
    strange dishes. May I be so converted and see with
    these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not: I will not
    be sworn, but love may transform me to an oyster; but
    I'll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster
    of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One woman
    is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am
    well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all
    graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in
    my grace. Rich she shall be, that's certain; wise,
    or I'll none; virtuous, or I'll never cheapen her;
    fair, or I'll never look on her; mild, or come not
    near me; noble, or not I for an angel; of good
    discourse, an excellent musician, and her hair shall
    be of what colour it please God. Ha! the prince and
    Monsieur Love! I will hide me in the arbour.

    Withdraws

    Enter DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, and LEONATO

DON PEDRO

    Come, shall we hear this music?

CLAUDIO

    Yea, my good lord. How still the evening is,
    As hush'd on purpose to grace harmony!

DON PEDRO

    See you where Benedick hath hid himself?

CLAUDIO

    O, very well, my lord: the music ended,
    We'll fit the kid-fox with a pennyworth.

    Enter BALTHASAR with Music

DON PEDRO

    Come, Balthasar, we'll hear that song again.

BALTHASAR

    O, good my lord, tax not so bad a voice
    To slander music any more than once.

DON PEDRO

    It is the witness still of excellency
    To put a strange face on his own perfection.
    I pray thee, sing, and let me woo no more.

BALTHASAR

    Because you talk of wooing, I will sing;
    Since many a wooer doth commence his suit
    To her he thinks not worthy, yet he wooes,
    Yet will he swear he loves.

DON PEDRO

    Now, pray thee, come;
    Or, if thou wilt hold longer argument,
    Do it in notes.

BALTHASAR

    Note this before my notes;
    There's not a note of mine that's worth the noting.

DON PEDRO

    Why, these are very crotchets that he speaks;
    Note, notes, forsooth, and nothing.

    Air

BENEDICK

    Now, divine air! now is his soul ravished! Is it
    not strange that sheeps' guts should hale souls out
    of men's bodies? Well, a horn for my money, when
    all's done.

    The Song

BALTHASAR

    Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
    Men were deceivers ever,
    One foot in sea and one on shore,
    To one thing constant never:
    Then sigh not so, but let them go,
    And be you blithe and bonny,
    Converting all your sounds of woe
    Into Hey nonny, nonny.
    Sing no more ditties, sing no moe,
    Of dumps so dull and heavy;
    The fraud of men was ever so,
    Since summer first was leafy:
    Then sigh not so, & c.

DON PEDRO

    By my troth, a good song.

BALTHASAR

    And an ill singer, my lord.

DON PEDRO

    Ha, no, no, faith; thou singest well enough for a shift.

BENEDICK

    An he had been a dog that should have howled thus,
    they would have hanged him: and I pray God his bad
    voice bode no mischief. I had as lief have heard the
    night-raven, come what plague could have come after
    it.

DON PEDRO

    Yea, marry, dost thou hear, Balthasar? I pray thee,
    get us some excellent music; for to-morrow night we
    would have it at the Lady Hero's chamber-window.

BALTHASAR

    The best I can, my lord.

DON PEDRO

    Do so: farewell.

    Exit BALTHASAR
    Come hither, Leonato. What was it you told me of
    to-day, that your niece Beatrice was in love with
    Signior Benedick?

CLAUDIO

    O, ay: stalk on. stalk on; the fowl sits. I did
    never think that lady would have loved any man.

LEONATO

    No, nor I neither; but most wonderful that she
    should so dote on Signior Benedick, whom she hath in
    all outward behaviors seemed ever to abhor.

BENEDICK

    Is't possible? Sits the wind in that corner?

LEONATO

    By my troth, my lord, I cannot tell what to think
    of it but that she loves him with an enraged
    affection: it is past the infinite of thought.

DON PEDRO

    May be she doth but counterfeit.

CLAUDIO

    Faith, like enough.

LEONATO

    O God, counterfeit! There was never counterfeit of
    passion came so near the life of passion as she
    discovers it.

DON PEDRO

    Why, what effects of passion shows she?

CLAUDIO

    Bait the hook well; this fish will bite.

LEONATO

    What effects, my lord? She will sit you, you heard
    my daughter tell you how.

CLAUDIO

    She did, indeed.

DON PEDRO

    How, how, pray you? You amaze me: I would have I
    thought her spirit had been invincible against all
    assaults of affection.

LEONATO

    I would have sworn it had, my lord; especially
    against Benedick.

BENEDICK

    I should think this a gull, but that the
    white-bearded fellow speaks it: knavery cannot,
    sure, hide himself in such reverence.

CLAUDIO

    He hath ta'en the infection: hold it up.

DON PEDRO

    Hath she made her affection known to Benedick?

LEONATO

    No; and swears she never will: that's her torment.

CLAUDIO

    'Tis true, indeed; so your daughter says: 'Shall
    I,' says she, 'that have so oft encountered him
    with scorn, write to him that I love him?'

LEONATO

    This says she now when she is beginning to write to
    him; for she'll be up twenty times a night, and
    there will she sit in her smock till she have writ a
    sheet of paper: my daughter tells us all.

CLAUDIO

    Now you talk of a sheet of paper, I remember a
    pretty jest your daughter told us of.

LEONATO

    O, when she had writ it and was reading it over, she
    found Benedick and Beatrice between the sheet?

CLAUDIO

    That.

LEONATO

    O, she tore the letter into a thousand halfpence;
    railed at herself, that she should be so immodest
    to write to one that she knew would flout her; 'I
    measure him,' says she, 'by my own spirit; for I
    should flout him, if he writ to me; yea, though I
    love him, I should.'

CLAUDIO

    Then down upon her knees she falls, weeps, sobs,
    beats her heart, tears her hair, prays, curses; 'O
    sweet Benedick! God give me patience!'

LEONATO

    She doth indeed; my daughter says so: and the
    ecstasy hath so much overborne her that my daughter
    is sometime afeared she will do a desperate outrage
    to herself: it is very true.

DON PEDRO

    It were good that Benedick knew of it by some
    other, if she will not discover it.

CLAUDIO

    To what end? He would make but a sport of it and
    torment the poor lady worse.

DON PEDRO

    An he should, it were an alms to hang him. She's an
    excellent sweet lady; and, out of all suspicion,
    she is virtuous.

CLAUDIO

    And she is exceeding wise.

DON PEDRO

    In every thing but in loving Benedick.

LEONATO

    O, my lord, wisdom and blood combating in so tender
    a body, we have ten proofs to one that blood hath
    the victory. I am sorry for her, as I have just
    cause, being her uncle and her guardian.

DON PEDRO

    I would she had bestowed this dotage on me: I would
    have daffed all other respects and made her half
    myself. I pray you, tell Benedick of it, and hear
    what a' will say.

LEONATO

    Were it good, think you?

CLAUDIO

    Hero thinks surely she will die; for she says she
    will die, if he love her not, and she will die, ere
    she make her love known, and she will die, if he woo
    her, rather than she will bate one breath of her
    accustomed crossness.

DON PEDRO

    She doth well: if she should make tender of her
    love, 'tis very possible he'll scorn it; for the
    man, as you know all, hath a contemptible spirit.

CLAUDIO

    He is a very proper man.

DON PEDRO

    He hath indeed a good outward happiness.

CLAUDIO

    Before God! and, in my mind, very wise.

DON PEDRO

    He doth indeed show some sparks that are like wit.

CLAUDIO

    And I take him to be valiant.

DON PEDRO

    As Hector, I assure you: and in the managing of
    quarrels you may say he is wise; for either he
    avoids them with great discretion, or undertakes
    them with a most Christian-like fear.

LEONATO

    If he do fear God, a' must necessarily keep peace:
    if he break the peace, he ought to enter into a
    quarrel with fear and trembling.

DON PEDRO

    And so will he do; for the man doth fear God,
    howsoever it seems not in him by some large jests
    he will make. Well I am sorry for your niece. Shall
    we go seek Benedick, and tell him of her love?

CLAUDIO

    Never tell him, my lord: let her wear it out with
    good counsel.

LEONATO

    Nay, that's impossible: she may wear her heart out first.

DON PEDRO

    Well, we will hear further of it by your daughter:
    let it cool the while. I love Benedick well; and I
    could wish he would modestly examine himself, to see
    how much he is unworthy so good a lady.

LEONATO

    My lord, will you walk? dinner is ready.

CLAUDIO

    If he do not dote on her upon this, I will never
    trust my expectation.

DON PEDRO

    Let there be the same net spread for her; and that
    must your daughter and her gentlewomen carry. The
    sport will be, when they hold one an opinion of
    another's dotage, and no such matter: that's the
    scene that I would see, which will be merely a
    dumb-show. Let us send her to call him in to dinner.

    Exeunt DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, and LEONATO

BENEDICK

    [Coming forward] This can be no trick: the
    conference was sadly borne. They have the truth of
    this from Hero. They seem to pity the lady: it
    seems her affections have their full bent. Love me!
    why, it must be requited. I hear how I am censured:
    they say I will bear myself proudly, if I perceive
    the love come from her; they say too that she will
    rather die than give any sign of affection. I did
    never think to marry: I must not seem proud: happy
    are they that hear their detractions and can put
    them to mending. They say the lady is fair; 'tis a
    truth, I can bear them witness; and virtuous; 'tis
    so, I cannot reprove it; and wise, but for loving
    me; by my troth, it is no addition to her wit, nor
    no great argument of her folly, for I will be
    horribly in love with her. I may chance have some
    odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me,
    because I have railed so long against marriage: but
    doth not the appetite alter? a man loves the meat
    in his youth that he cannot endure in his age.
    Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of
    the brain awe a man from the career of his humour?
    No, the world must be peopled. When I said I would
    die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I
    were married. Here comes Beatrice. By this day!
    she's a fair lady: I do spy some marks of love in
    her.

    Enter BEATRICE

BEATRICE

    Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner.

BENEDICK

    Fair Beatrice, I thank you for your pains.

BEATRICE

    I took no more pains for those thanks than you take
    pains to thank me: if it had been painful, I would
    not have come.

BENEDICK

    You take pleasure then in the message?

BEATRICE

    Yea, just so much as you may take upon a knife's
    point and choke a daw withal. You have no stomach,
    signior: fare you well.

    Exit

BENEDICK

    Ha! 'Against my will I am sent to bid you come in
    to dinner;' there's a double meaning in that 'I took
    no more pains for those thanks than you took pains
    to thank me.' that's as much as to say, Any pains
    that I take for you is as easy as thanks. If I do
    not take pity of her, I am a villain; if I do not
    love her, I am a Jew. I will go get her picture.

    Exit