Act 4, Scene 2: OLIVIA's house

SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.

    Enter MARIA and Clown

MARIA

    Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;
    make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do
    it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.

    Exit

Clown

    Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself
    in't; and I would I were the first that ever
    dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to
    become the function well, nor lean enough to be
    thought a good student; but to be said an honest man
    and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a
    careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

    Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

SIR TOBY BELCH

    Jove bless thee, master Parson.

Clown

    Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of
    Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily
    said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;'
    so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for,
    what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?

SIR TOBY BELCH

    To him, Sir Topas.

Clown

    What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!

SIR TOBY BELCH

    The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

MALVOLIO

    [Within] Who calls there?

Clown

    Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio
    the lunatic.

MALVOLIO

    Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Clown

    Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!
    talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

SIR TOBY BELCH

    Well said, Master Parson.

MALVOLIO

    Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir
    Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me
    here in hideous darkness.

Clown

    Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most
    modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones
    that will use the devil himself with courtesy:
    sayest thou that house is dark?

MALVOLIO

    As hell, Sir Topas.

Clown

    Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,
    and the clearstores toward the south north are as
    lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of
    obstruction?

MALVOLIO

    I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.

Clown

    Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness
    but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than
    the Egyptians in their fog.

MALVOLIO

    I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though
    ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there
    was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you
    are: make the trial of it in any constant question.

Clown

    What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?

MALVOLIO

    That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

Clown

    What thinkest thou of his opinion?

MALVOLIO

    I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

Clown

    Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:
    thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will
    allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest
    thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

MALVOLIO

    Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

SIR TOBY BELCH

    My most exquisite Sir Topas!

Clown

    Nay, I am for all waters.

MARIA

    Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and
    gown: he sees thee not.

SIR TOBY BELCH

    To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how
    thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this
    knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I
    would he were, for I am now so far in offence with
    my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this
    sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

    Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

Clown

    [Singing]
    'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
    Tell me how thy lady does.'

MALVOLIO

    Fool!

Clown

    'My lady is unkind, perdy.'

MALVOLIO

    Fool!

Clown

    'Alas, why is she so?'

MALVOLIO

    Fool, I say!

Clown

    'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?

MALVOLIO

    Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my
    hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:
    as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to
    thee for't.

Clown

    Master Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

    Ay, good fool.

Clown

    Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

MALVOLIO

    Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I
    am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

Clown

    But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no
    better in your wits than a fool.

MALVOLIO

    They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,
    send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to
    face me out of my wits.

Clown

    Advise you what you say; the minister is here.
    Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!
    endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain
    bibble babble.

MALVOLIO

    Sir Topas!

Clown

    Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I,
    sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.
    Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.

MALVOLIO

    Fool, fool, fool, I say!

Clown

    Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am
    shent for speaking to you.

MALVOLIO

    Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I
    tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

Clown

    Well-a-day that you were, sir

MALVOLIO

    By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and
    light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:
    it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing
    of letter did.

Clown

    I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you
    not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

MALVOLIO

    Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

Clown

    Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his
    brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

MALVOLIO

    Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I
    prithee, be gone.

Clown

    [Singing]
    I am gone, sir,
    And anon, sir,
    I'll be with you again,
    In a trice,
    Like to the old Vice,
    Your need to sustain;
    Who, with dagger of lath,
    In his rage and his wrath,
    Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:
    Like a mad lad,
    Pare thy nails, dad;
    Adieu, good man devil.

    Exit